Semester of Psychosis

Last semester, I took my last undergraduate English course, except for Capstone (Senior Paper). It is a bittersweet milestone for this English major. I feel a sense of accomplishment, but I have more non-major courses to complete before I am awarded my degree. The next few semesters will feature completing minor (Psychology) and general education requirements.

Spring 2012 is the Semester of Psychosis. I have two psychology courses, Psychology of Personality and Abnormal Psychology, and completion of these will satisfy my minor requirements. I’ve only attended one class session for each course, so it is too early to tell how beneficial and/or interesting these courses will be. I do expect to end the semester with another bittersweet feeling. I’m so close to finishing my degree, but the little things (gen eds) slow me down.

I hope Psychology of Personality fulfills my curiosity about personality theory. I’ve given some amateur attention to it, but looking at the theoretical basis for each model should be different than the surface level understanding I currently have.

Abnormal Psychology will no doubt interest me. Who doesn’t want to learn more about schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder? My experience in the non-profit sector working with people with mental illnesses should compliment learning the academic side of things.

This semester also includes researching graduate programs, which I will apply to this fall. I plan to pursue an MFA in Creative Writing. So far, my research has included looking at Poets & Writers Magazine’s list of top 50 MFA programs and dreaming about the schools that offer generous stipends. But I’ll be honest with myself and you, dear reader, my undergraduate record probably doesn’t warrant placement in most of those programs. It’s taken 10 years for my BA in English, and my GPA is only 3.0 (though a couple semesters of gen eds should bring it up a bit).

I still have time to figure out graduate school options. For now, my focus is on the Semester of Psychosis.

Nothing Changes on New Year’s Day

Those in the know will recognize this post’s title as lyrics from U2′s “New Year’s Day.” It’s among my favorite songs and exemplifies my emotions on this holiday. There is a tension between hope (“though torn in two / we can be one”) and a pessimism that negative aspects of the status quo will continue (particularly violent conflict).

Some people invest a lot of hope in a new year. They see it as a time to refresh and refocus. And, of course, set goals. I’m sure you can find many bloggers listing their New Year’s Resolutions, but you won’t find that here. The other typical blog is the Year in Review. I did write something that might fall into that category as part of The Tulsa Egotist’s “What I Learned This Year” series.

I’m not against reviewing past experience, refocusing, and setting goals for the future, but for many (maybe most) people New Year’s Resolutions don’t accomplish anything. They never did for me. Resolutions are generally expected to be pretty substantial goals (weight loss, smoking cessation, etc.), and one is also expected to have several. I have big goals for this year, but if I commit to those on January 1st, then I will try to reach for them simultaneously, which may not be an appropriate course of action.

Maybe 2012 will be a significant year in my life. I’ll set goals as I go along. Some will be reached. Some won’t be. Others will simply disappear into the sea of the forgotten. January 1, 2012 is here. So far, nothing has changed more than what changed when December 30 became December 31. “Nothing changes on New Year’s Day,” but there’s hope. And that is a good thing.

By the way, here’s the music video. Thank God Bono eventually got rid of that mullet.

Fall 2011, the Semester That Nearly Killed Me

Okay, slight hyperbole. I stayed far from the grip of death (unless you consider how risky driving in Tulsa is).

I started the semester with four classes: Utopian Literature, Psychology of Infancy and Child Development, Personal Health, and Math for Critical Thinking. The latter two were online courses.

About halfway through the semester, I dropped the math class. Apparently online is not the best method for one’s weakest subject. Personal Health should have been easy, but I allowed myself to become disorganized and missed two tests. The Psych class was too easy. I aced it without even cracking my text book.

Utopia is what nearly did me in, though. The reading schedule required several hundred pages per week, which is common for literature courses, and I did not keep up. This led to low quiz scores and my inability to finish all of my reflection papers. It would be easy to fall back on the excuse of a busy schedule for my low performance in this class (full-time job, family obligations, etc.), but I’ll be honest. I just wasn’t motivated.

My motivation problem could be attributed to the depression cycle I fell into during the semester. The last few months have been very difficult personally, and my course work is only one casualty. If you follow this blog regularly, you know that this is my first update in quite some time. I also haven’t been writing much poetry. My paperwork at the day job has been late, which isn’t unusual, but it’s even been late when it could’ve been on time.

I don’t mean this to be a pity party. You’ll be happy to know that I’ve begun feeling much better during the past couple weeks. I hope this is the upswing out of depression. To those to whom I’ve been an ass lately, accept my sincere apologies. To those who’ve expected things from me that I haven’t come through on, I’m sorry.

This semester didn’t kill me, so now it’s time for me to start living like I mean it.

Cheers,

Randall

For National Coming Out Day, an essay about being bisexual

The following is an essay I wrote last Fall for Advanced Composition I. The assignment was a 1,000 word “definition” essay. I chose to define, at least in part, bisexuality. Due to the confines of the assignment, I was only able to approach the subject very generally. If you want to further the discussion, leave a comment. Thanks for reading. -Randall

Who I Am

When I hear people talk about sexual orientation, whether they are media personalities or my friends, they most often talk about two distinct groups, heterosexuals and homosexuals. Straight people and gay people. They talk as though everyone fits neatly into one of these two groups, and they may even go so far as to assume that they know who fits into which group based on gender stereotypes. While some are heterosexual or homosexual, others fall into a category between these two: bisexual. Bisexuality is often misunderstood by both heterosexual and homosexual people because they cannot fathom a third, seemingly ambiguous, option. They write it off as a phase one may go through during formative years or as a rouse to hide homosexuality because of the social costs of being or being perceived as homosexual, but bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation.

Bisexuality is sexual attraction to individuals of both male and female genders. This does not, however, mean that attraction to each gender is equal. In 1948, Dr. Alfred Kinsey’s research on sexual behavior led him to conclude that sexual orientation is less dichotomous than previously thought. He and his colleagues created a seven-point scale to describe the range of orientations they were finding. Zero represents exclusively heterosexual desire; six represents exclusively homosexual desire. One through five is the spectrum of bisexual desire, varying degrees of attraction to both genders, with three indicating equal attraction to both genders. Kinsey’s scale is about sexual orientation or desire, not necessarily about sexual activity. Also, the scale is for self-reflection; there is no test that determines where one falls on the scale (Kinsey). I describe myself as a two, which means I am slightly more attracted to women than men, but I have rarely indulged my same-sex desires.

“But Randall, you’re married to a woman. How can you say that you like men, too?” is usually the first question I’m asked by someone who learns of my sexual orientation, but bisexuality does not preclude monogamy. Monogamy is a choice based on relationship not on sexual orientation. Heterosexual and homosexual people make the same choices regarding relationships based on their individual preferences and morality. Some choose one-night stands, sexually open relationships, or various lengths of monogamous relationships, but I have chosen a life-long monogamous relationship. This doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes find men, or other women, physically attractive, but I’ve made a commitment to stay faithful to her as anyone in a monogamous relationship must deny other attractions.

Unfortunately some assume that my heterosexual marriage and those of other self-described bisexuals are only facades designed to hide homosexuality, but that is not the case. This misconception most likely arises from stories of individuals “coming out” as homosexual after years of heterosexual marriage. Denial, including self-denial, of non-heterosexual orientations, bisexual or homosexual, is common because our culture prescribes a narrowly defined public morality that refuses to legitimatize non-heterosexual relationships socially or legally. Overcoming fear of the potential social backlash makes coming out as bisexual or homosexual incredibly difficult. We were married for three years before I told my wife my sexual orientation. Though she suspected that I harbored feelings toward men, too, it took me that long to overcome my internal objections and to feel that she was ready to accept the news. I was afraid that she would assume I was homosexual and intended to leave her. She understands that my attraction to men is only part of my orientation and continues trusting me.

Before I could share my bisexuality with my wife, I had to get past the idea that I was going through a phase. Thanks to the popularity of media like the Girls Gone Wild video series, many people assume that bisexuality is merely a fad for drunk sorority girls. For some, sexual experimentation with both genders may only occur during college, and those who experiment may or may not have a bisexual orientation, but even the most flippant sexual behaviors do not invalidate bisexual orientation. I first began perceiving attraction toward both women and men during my early teen years. I intentionally denied my attraction to other men because I was taught that any non-heterosexual thoughts were sinful. I struggled throughout my teen years to ignore these feelings and hoped that eventually I would say the right prayer to remove them from my psyche forever. My religious views changed over time and by my second year of college, I was ready to think of myself as bisexual, but I was 25 before I finally told anyone else how I felt.

During the time I spent hiding my bisexual orientation, few people assumed I was anything other than a heterosexual guy because sexual orientation is not tied to expression of gender roles. Other than ambivalence toward contact sports and choosing a major in English, I present myself in ways that are traditionally masculine. I dress in pants and a shirt. I have body and facial hair. I enjoy physical exertion and “manly” hobbies like working on cars and doing yard work. Binary assumptions that suggest feminine men and masculine women are homosexual while masculine men and feminine women are heterosexual fail to adequately describe the realities of gender and sexual orientation and are not only unfair to these groups but entirely leave out those of us who fall between one and five on Kinsey’s scale.

Though bisexuality isn’t a convenient, well-understood sexual orientation, it is who I am. This doesn’t stop me from enjoying a healthy and loving monogamous relationship. In fact, I think that sharing my sexual orientation with my wife has strengthened our relationship. It is not something I will just “get over” with the passage of time or by saying a prayer. I hope that this long journey to accepting this aspect of myself allows me to better understand and embrace differences I see in other people—all differences, not just sexual ones. I also hope that my choice to share something this personal and controversial will encourage others to be open and honest about who they are.

Works Cited

Kinsey, Alfred. “Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale [Research Program].” Kinseyinstitute.com. The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction. Web. 10 Oct. 2010. <http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-hhscale.html&gt;.